Dad.

My Dad. He was a pretty special guy. I guess we all say that about our dads, right? Thats good though, Dad's are the ones who protect you, make you feel safe, make you feel like the only girl in the world, in a way that no boyfriend or husband ever would. Your dad has loved you from the moment he saw you. You loved him from the moment you opened your eyes too. He's someone you know you can rely on, someone who will pick you up at 3am from the club even after the huge row about how short your skirt is, and then lecture you all the way home that 'he knows what teenage boys are like, so stay the fuck away from boys until you're 35'. Someone who will always have your best interests at heart, no matter how harsh he seems, its because he doesn't want to lose you. Someone who will rush home from work to see you in the school play even if he has to stand in the doorway, he'll be there. If you've got a good dad, hold onto him, cherish him, and love him with your whole heart. He'll always be the best man in your life, and you'll never know how lucky you are to have him.
                 When my dad was taken away from me, i was too young to really understand how this would affect me in my later life. I was 8. My mum picked me up from school, and bought us home, she told us, and started crying. I immediately followed suit, assuming that was the correct thing to do. My brothers were really really small, and they asked if we could have McDonalds for dinner. I don't remember much from that time. I kind of remember it being decided for me that i wasn't to go to the funeral. Maybe they asked me, i can't remember. It must have been a horrendous day, and i'm sure it was no place for 3 children under the age of 8. I don't remember the teachers at school giving me any special treatment, i don't even remember feeling a deep sense of loss, i don't remember anything at all from that time. Strange isn't it how you can completely block out one of the biggest things that ever happened to you.
                What i do remember though, is how much of a larger than life character he was. I have so many lovely memories that i try so hard to keep alive, they will stay with me forever. My favourite things in the world is to hear my aunt talk so fondly of him and hear stories of his adventures with his 3 brothers. Always the centre of attention, my strongest memories are the smell of the leather seats in his cars, playing loud music for the whole journey. My Girl, was one of his favourites to sing to me. I used to cringe, embarrassed of his singing, calling me Aymalar, saying I was his girl. I wish i'd known how much those moments would mean now.
               We lost my Uncle Barry when i was around 17, it was deep winter. Snow everywhere. My Uncle Barry was my dad's partner in crime, and he took over the father figure role for me when my dad died, even though i didn't see him as much as i would have liked, i knew he would always look after me. He could get you in anywhere, park anywhere, always had a story, and would call himself Lord Baron. He was the complete life and soul of any room, and i miss his presence in my life so much. When i found out, I went straight to Cornwall and stayed for the funeral. I remember everyone around me crying and crying and crying. I remember feeling grateful that my family were there, and that my Uncle Billy came from Australia, spending time with him over that period was amazing, we never get to see each other much because of the distance but I learned that he is the most wonderful man and I’m very lucky to have him still here. I just remember feeling that i needed to surround myself with all of the love. I didn't pay much attention to the service and i can't remember who said what or what music was played. I just remember staring out of the window for a really long time, watching four little birds in the snow. I don't know what type they were, but they seemed to be having a great time, and they stayed for the whole service. I imagined that it was my nan, with her three sons, that are no longer with us, together again, and that bought me peace.
                  Most of the time i never really know what to blog about, and i can never really start one until i feel so strongly about something that i have to write it down. Its my dad's birthday today, and it makes me really sad that i can't buy him a card, make him a cake, or moan to everyone that i don't know what to buy him. I don't get that normality. I've dealt with it for a long time, and know how to be strong now, but that little 8 year old who found out her daddy died all those years ago, definitely had no idea of the kind of hole it would leave in her adult life, no one to walk me down the isle or to go with me to make sure the mechanics don't charge me silly prices because i'm a girl, no one to punch my boyfriends in the face, no one to call Dad, anymore. Time will never heal you, it will only help you deal with it. Losing a parent will shape your life deeply at whatever age you lose them. So please, if you can, give your dad a kiss tonight before you go to bed, tell him you love him. He loves you.

 Happy Birthday, Dad.